worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Hippo gnu deer
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize