Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
