hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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