we made out on top of his cat.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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