it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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