A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
