Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
