my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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