u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
