just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
