I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
