Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
