i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
