so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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