Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
