My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
