If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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