I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
