Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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