i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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