I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
