She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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