i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
