I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
