I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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