Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
