Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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