i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
