My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
