He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
