Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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