My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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