I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
