just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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