I think I won the penis lottery.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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