Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
