Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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