the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
