you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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