I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
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