My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
