heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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