I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
