life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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