Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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