I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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