this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
