My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
