wakey wakey hands off snakey
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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