I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
