mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
