I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
if i can run in heels then i can drive
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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