Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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