i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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