I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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