Four minutes until I can fart!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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