The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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