she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
