I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
