maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
