You're a womanizer and a bitch.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
