my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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